Today I was due to do a two hour session as a voluntary chaplain in the Minster. It is perfectly clear that this is a pastoral role towards visitors and others coming into the building. It is very light touch. I get my collar and cassock on and don a badge and a lanyard, and I wander about, and if anyone wants to talk, then I am there for them. Almost always there is someone there who has something that they are pleased to have a chance to share; a personal struggle, a pain unhealed, an anxiety, or an interest or a question. It is delightfully varied. Some days I can wander and pray or read, and other days I am engaged all the time with people who have come in. There is no telling.
Well, today we were double booked. There was another chaplain all ready to go when I turned up. As she had come from half an hour away I said that I would come another day. We didn’t even bother to find out whose mistake it was. So I wandered off. And then I started thinking.
Since 2014 I have been inhibited from ministry in the diocese. Officially. But I am a member of the Minster community, and it is a wonderful and supportive church. And I like to help out. So this is what happens:
Things I can’t do
1. Take any public service –
no Mattins nor Evensong nor Holy Communion – I can’t help with weekday eucharists
2. Preach – last time I preached was November 2013
3. Baptise, marry or conduct Anglican funerals
Things I have been doing
1. Pastoral work – both informal and not so informal. People come to me for support – I act as an honorary chaplain under the authority of one of the Canons – I have offered pastoral support to a wide range of people in the last fifteen years inside and outside the parish because they come to me
2. Helping with teaching in a number of ways. House groups – for several years I have led a house group, and also helped write the material we have used – I get asked to speak at the local Anglican high school – I lead contemplative prayer groups fairly regularly
3. I help serve the altar at the cathedral eucharist and I participate in musical ministry by deputising as a lay clerk
4. I go fairly often to Morning Prayer in the cathedral. Very occasionally the clergy don’t appear, and I have found myself leading that service of public worship for the faithful few who are there.
Do I care? Yes, I do. It makes no sense for me to exercise this kind of under-the-radar ministry while officially I am beyond the pale. I do it because it is wanted and valued and I love being part of this church. But I have no prospect of doing the things in the first group despite the fact that my ministry appears to be wanted.
I believe all the things I ever believed about being a Christian. I say the Apostles’ and Nicene Creeds ex animo (something that conservatives think a liberal like me could not possibly do). I read and preach the Bible (when I can). My faith is expanding not shrinking, and in part that is because I am so content being who I am and where I am.
There is nothing I can do that can alter the standing I have in the eyes of those in authority in the diocese. Next April will be ten years since all this started: I had hoped, after February’s General Synod votes, that there might be a change in the pastoral guidance regarding clergy in same-sex marriages, but that appears to have been punted into the long grass again.
So I pinch myself, remind myself that what I did wrong was to get married, and go and get on with my day. This is nuts, isn’t it?
From The Quire 
I so desperately want to check their closets…….and count their coats (luke 3:11)
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Yes, it’s nuts. Simple as that.
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I am so terribly sorry to read this. Your spirit and faith shines through in your writing and your manner. How terrible it is that those who themselves ought to have a loving, pastoral heart, to care and nurture their flock, cause such anguish and care so little. This is not God’s way. May the God who loves you carry you through this dark valley.
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Yes, just like Julian said – it’s all nuts and love
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You missed out a critical part of your ministry…. Social Media. We have never met, but following your posts has become something I do regularly and with great good reason. You speak wisely and from the heart.
We don’t always agree, but mostly do, and you make me “think” when we don’t. I was oblivious to the issue with the church’s “rule book”, which is (as always it seems) a farcical elephant trap of its own making. Hang tough, do what you can do the best you can, and don’t underestimate the souls you touch without realising it.
NB I type this 5000miles away, but just thought it worth saying.
Aidan
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Thank you, Aidan. That is not something that I have properly considered. My motivation in writing has principally come from its function as a way of ordering not only thoughts but feelings. There have been times when it has been an important safety valve. But I appreciate your encouragement! One feature of being an outsider insider, if you know what I mean, is that it affords me the freedom to speak without fear or favour. I try and exercise that responsibly.
Best wishes
Jeremy
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